this website was solely born out of me being miserably insane when yearning for som1 hahahahaha

i have literally no one to talk to abt ts bcs im just like that, "like that" referring to my avoidant ass fearing emotional vulnerability so yeah theres that

07/13 2026 on company time ig (FUCK my playlist just switched to picture you by chappel roan...) hopefully i take this wwebsite to my grave


i need to vent somewhere or else im gonna kms genuinely nothing nonchalant abt me

at work rn can't focus on stuff bcs im going insane thinking about my loser ass like i need to explain stuff first:

for context i've been friend with this girl since lit 2 years roughly and she lowkey said she was lowkey falling in love with me one day hahahahahaha but this could so just be friendly and im delulu and stuff but the crazy thing is that i'd never envisionned anything happenng between us bcs i can't develop crushes on ppl first if they don't have one on me first...
so now im dooubtful about her having a crush on me and its driving me freaking insane because hello??? maybe fake signal BUT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE THERE and it allowed me to... develop a crush... which is heart shattering cause id rather die than be rejected haha #nonchalant

and we talk like on instagram and stuff but genuinely can't feel normal about this???????? she's constantly on my mind all the music i listen to reminds me of her in some shape or form and i physically need both her soul and body to be mine and its eating me from the inside genuinely not able to have whimsical little crushes like i can't help but make it gut wrenching and i feel like throwing up all the time and there's this lump in my throat so

like okay we're talking and its cool its slow and sane for the most part but im growing so obsessed i can't funtion normally anymore and i just need her carnally but like i obviously can't say it like that so yeah



for more context the day before yesterday i acted like a loser at 11pm and repleiid to her text with something that genuinely cannot keep the conversation going, like dead finished but i couldn't just send something else after because??? there was nothing to say and i was self conscious so except if she was the first to send smth back this would be doomed

so i just sat in my misery and didn't sleep didn't eat didn't drink water didn't open my blinds <3 like the loser i am and i was nauseous all day and she ended up sending me a reel on insta at like... 10pm yesterday... #suicidepostponed so we talked after and it was great and i love her sm but like haha i freaking need her

this time she was the one to end the convo so its fine and ive got smth to do to launch a new convo today so #allfine but i cant seem to do anything at work nor can i listen to any sort of music and there's a pit in my stomach i cant eat anything without feeling like throwing up so well i think i need to be more normal about this

but genuinely how? #avoidant here my walls are built so high even i can't seem t get out? but she started sum with telling me she was falling in love? and i didnt take it the funny friendly haha way at all and now im miserable :D

literal translation of a note in my phone i used as a diary when i was going insane yesterday (also listening to mitski 'i want you' so genuinely not helping myself rn) :



note title : I HATE YEARNING AND PINING AND LONGING

the fact our insta conv with [REDACTED] ended yesterday sent me in a manic episode at like 11pm didnt sleep didnt eat didnt drink didnt open blinds wheter night or day
haha yeah totally normal casual nonchalant :thumb:

want to throw up

*screenshot of her sending me the reel*

7:09pm writing this loser ass note for her to text me at like 7:35pm we need to be normal girl

replied to her she didn't answer back fell back into full mania + was horny :D:D:D
im bored girl lets be nirmal<3

ok weve been texting since 11:20pm but jut sent a text with absolutely no way of replying to keep the conv going oh im so keeling myself
shes going to find me annoying like mitski says at the start of pearl and shes going to stop sending me stuff but if im the one sending smth again ill seem desperate fuck fuck fuck fuck



what am i gonna do with myself if [REDACTED] doesnt wanna talk to me anymore 1day haha :thumb:

ha just drama queen-ing she replied



i genuinely have nothing sane to say about any of this i need her im a loser we're only seeing each other again at the start of august ill die in the mean time

I saw her listening to "Last I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me" by The Smiths, should I overthink it chat? :D

She made me discover the eht namuh website, I'll attempt to remix it in an oath to my devotion to her in hopes it'll tame the consequences of my miserable yearning for her! :D idk maybe like a bible of everything she is and she likes... dont know
Like oh I'm getting a tad bit insane again lemme shut the voices in my head by adding paragraphs to my [REDACTED]'s bible to appease my heart <3 #needed bcs i barely ate today while thinking abt her its getting cringe

I wish I was joking when I say thinking about her makes me physically unable to breathe? Loser much?



i always think about our time together like when we went to march at the pride, or just regular hangouts with other ppl but fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk i needherrrrrrr





















07/15 2026 still on company time btw ilhsm


Alright well I lowkey confessed like 2 days ago LMAO

She was so ever-consuming (solely because of me daydreaming about her) that I needed to let it out somehow, so I changed my Instagram bio to something amont the lines of a song I love that does NOTHING to ease my obsession regarding her, called spellbound. Love it so much I also included it in an Instagram note, and then went on with life which is crazy coming from me but #progress !

Coming back from a night out at like 2AM I see she's also put up an ig note with literally ANOTHER SPELLBOUND SONG? Like not the same artist but still the same title? Oh she wants me so badddd

Snippet of how I very nonchalantly reacted to the events:

> *quoting note* baby some things are coming your way... be safe tho :D
> i've been trying real hard to remain normal these past few days but i've undeniably become insane
> #absolute drunk confession as usual like i'm literally going to explode i'd love to be this nonchalant mysterious girl but alas i'm very chalant and dramatic
> *cracked a lame joke here, that in retrospect is also pretty creepy LMAO but #ok*
> yeah so. nothing sane nor platonic on my part but #isok that's just me going insane tho

SO YEAH HAHAHAHAHA :D

Completely lost my mind when I woke up because she'd left me on seen for like... 2 hours... So I did the only sane possible thing: nuking Instagram from my phone and live in denial. Which proved to be hard because it was eating from the inside and I ended up being a coward by re-installing the app like 8 hours later and I deleted some of the precedent texts, specifically those where I literally DECLARE my lvoe for her???

That's all it took for her to answer:
> lowkey terrifying *regarding the lame creepy joke* but less than other texts so i'll act like they never existed i guess
> (ofc i saw everything but i didn't know how to react nonchalantly so i lowkey panicked)

Well I just lost my mind here because like why's it lowkey phrased like rejection... so I just humiliated myself like:
> hahahaha well it's fine i uninstalled the app and listened to my suicide playlist all day but that's just me tho hahahaha

To which she answeed:
> no i just didn't know how to answer so i didn't end up saying anything, i'll try to flee less
> what you said wasn't all that criminal... dont know if i wouldve said it myself but i surely did think about it

OH SHE WANTS ME SO BAD bro she's just feeding my dellusionssssssss... need her so much it's killing me im not gonna make it im srs

no but weve been talkin consistenly ever since and it's all joyful and whimsical on my end at least, because i know there's some king of reciprocity ?????????????

brb drawing pentagrams and making incantations so she's mine by the end of the year <3



P.S. like 2 hours after the main entry: only endgames possible :



















07/16 2026, ha vay - spellbound


Hello, we're still on company time and it's another day where I try to survive without having had any sleep.

Of course the main reason behind the lack of sleep is [REDACTED] because I'm a loser ass girl who got caught up into my own thoughts, and stalking her on all of our shared socials, and listening to the playlists we share, and obsessing over her.

Genuinely I need to be more normal about her because :
  1. I will undeniably embarass myself by accidentally spilling it all when we see each other again, and I'll scare her; like even I am scared and don't know how to deal with this consuming obsession only I turn toxic?

  2. I have stopped living correctly if not to seek her out; didn't manage to eat yesterday night because literally same case scenario as the first one depicted here (I never learn), I ended the conversation with no comeback possible and I felt like dying. Tbh I was actually dying inside. This caused me to spiral and not sleep until like 4AM, mind you I had to wake up at 7AM for work and this has been going on for days like, loser much? We need to stand up or I'm gonna die frfr

Regarding the loser ass scenario 2.0™️ I did the most nonchalant thing I could have done which was to recreate the literal same ass Instagram note with the spellbound title... And I posted a bunch of embarassing uninteresting loser ass stories that do not fucking matter if not for her to notice and text me about it. And while I was spiraling I liked the most embarassing Instagram posts talking about wlw doomed yuri yearning loser lover girl or sum like...

And I was listening to our shared songs from 11PM to 4AM...

And then I decided to post the annoying ass Instagram stories, and thought I was in the clear because it was so late. Tell me why she liked the first one the literal minute I post it? Hello? So all my spiraling: the embarassing music note, my nonstop playlist listening, my shameful likes on Instagram, like I was doing all this and she was NOT FUCKING ASLEEP?

I mean I feel like our feeds are pretty different on Instagram so she might have dodged it for the most part, but pretty sure it's hopeless... because I saw she'd liked a post literally captioned "yeah reading doomed yuri is sad and all, but have u ever experienced it irl" and it was what sent me away entirely, so I know our feeds are not that far away actually... Like I don't feel like it's that doomed but that might just be me...

Genuinely I don't know how I can take her not wanting me in this lifetime #doomed

I'm so tired I don't even have the energy to properly translate my rotten obsession towards her rightfully through words. Just know I'm still as fucking dying over her as ever, just don't have the fuel to talk about it properly anymore (I really need to sleep). The warmth in my chest and the lump in my throat and the twist in my guts and our music in my ears are still present, though.

Waiting for August to come when we'll meet again is unbearable, I need her right now. Like, absolutely carnally. Fuck I remember having liked all those weird ass reels about how I'm so obsessed with her I'd mark her and drink her blood and I need to be under her skin and make her mine mine mine lord i CANNOT DO IT ANYMORE bro im losing it

10AM UPDATE: suicide #postponed she texted me. I love my girlfriend so much.

2PM UPDATE: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IDK WHAT TO DO W MYSELF IM AT WORK I????????????????

She sent me a fucking picture that made me go fucking insane and I ended up blurting a bunch of dumb stuff, to which I justified myself with "it's been so long since i last saw you im just slowly going insane". TO WHICH SHE FUCKING ANSWERED
> same (* and she said it in her usual unique way #notsharingmygirl but imagine )
> i didn't know yearning could be physical like that, my chest aches

THEN PROCEEDS TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT HER BREAST ACHING TOO BRO oh you want me to carve my name on you when we see each other i see i see

bitch im at work i cant focus on shit lowkey horny too BRO im gonna explode

3PM update: I need to put her in place for the fact I've been breathless since she sent me the very first picture.

I've got a horny little demon whispering in my ear that I should just send her spicy pics while she's on her family vacay LMAO (but what if...)

4PM update: genuinely cannot make this shit up I'm still bricked af
Work ends in an hour and all I can do is stare into the voic and imagine all the ways I could have her to appease the neediness. Some ways include hugs and sweet innocent touches and deep convos and mutual pining and listening to music and being cozzy nuzzled up. Some others don't :) (could you believe I started questioning whether I was on the ace spectrum or not before her???) My chest aches and all I can think about is her and I just want her to be around and I just carnally need her, the usual except I can keep it for myself even LESS than usual. Haha.
And in parallel she's just innocently reading tgswiiwagaa aka the famous green yuri that I put her on. Because I'm a fan and I originally had Mitsuki as my pfp but changed it to Aya when it struck me how Mitsuki just straight up looks like [REDACTED]. Thought I wanted to be Mitsuki, well I guess it was hiding a second more evil option.

Yes this was another form of manifestation between the lines I re-write everyday praying to every god there exists for her to be mine, the targetes Instagram bullshit, the pentagrams, the drawings, the sketches, the constant rambling about it to my friends. If I don't do it I think my love for her will consume me so much it will surely replace me one day. It's either this or 1) I kms, 2) I tell her things I will regret like how much and in what ways I need her. Ha

May the lesbian gods bless me with [REDACTED] the same way you did Aya with Mitsuki.

10PM

This website was solely born out of my loser self yearning for my girl to the point of insanity as I wrote at the very top.

And it happened so-called insanity unleashed on a random monday while at work so doing it this way was less suspicious than me randomly starting to handwrite like a madwoman. So this output is the the one I seek out the most when I need to throw stuff into the void, like the urges to be with her disguised as #absolute moments of neediness.

So sorry but if I don't relieve it I am literally unable to function properly at work, and I'm not about to write on a physical piece of paper that could be thrown to my face ANYTIME by ANY coworker. So here is where I go to. To obsess over [REDACTED]. Because I love her, and I need her more than my body's willing to accept.

But I do have another means of expressing my love for her, one that is so much gentler and innocent than this terrific corner of the Web. It's in my diary lol, #yes middle school me was onto something when I started it.

Since I handwrite much slower than I type on a keyboard, my thoughts have more depth and my sentences are more well-constructed. Not to say everything I wrote here wasn't authentic, or real, or just something to frown upon? I mean, yearning tends to do that to you lol. No, I mean there's another more specific type of neediness also born out of pure obsession over [REDACTED], somewhere else. And it presents itself differently.

My diary entries own a timestamp and a title, and the only thing I've written about in weeks is you, usually at night when thinking about you makes me sleepless again.

And I picture us basking in the tranquility offered by the nighttime to get closer. We talk and talk and talk, we crack lame skibidi toilet jokes, we paint each other's nails, we try new hairstyles on the other, we play dress up and try eacher other's clothes, we giggle about a series we're watching or a book we're reading or a reel we're discovering, due to an inside joke only us will employ as of now; and we're just so cozy together and we hold hands and there's always at least the smallest area of both our skins touching.

And our hearts are open, and we talk about the specifics of your daily life, and we talk about my parents, and it results in sharing experiences of both our childhoods. And you tell me about how you met all the friends I've encountered up until today. And why some artists or authors are dear to you, what you learned from their creations and if you'd like to create something one day.

And maybe we'd hold hands if you want to, and hug if you want to, and kiss if you want to, and more if you want to. But we're not doing it if you don't want to, and we're just enjoying existing next to each other. We'll need to talk about what you want properly once we're further into this thing, but I think it'll be fine since we're both losers that have both already confessed to each other about being touch starved lol. Funny to write it but I'm aching to be next to you right now.

Also you changed you profile picture on Instagram with a Mitsuki Koga one? So we're matching since I have an Aya Oosawa one? And you noticed first, before deciding to read the first volume so you could rightfully change your pfp? It's so #corny but I can't help but draw the parallels between Mitsuki and Aya's relationship, how they nurtured it at the beginning, and us. The playlist sharing, the texts, ...

You said you'd stop at volume 1 only so we can watch the anime adaptation that's coming up in January 2027 together, so like currently you've got no idea what I'm talking about lol. I hope I get to be next to you when you realize the parallels.

I don't know, I just picture us peacefully living together in a shared place.

Never beating the traumatizing sapphic relationship's heartbreak if we don't end up together, and I only have myself to blame for this literal altar to my devotion to you. #yearningassloser. Anyways. Can't wait to see you again in what, two weeks?



















07/17 2026 - flower face, spiracle


9:57 AM - chrissy, easy to forget


Same place, same time, same feelings as usual.

I slept 2 hours last night because I was up thinking about her again, doomscrolling on Instagram and overthinking each one of my likes/reposts because my entire feed was about her, as well as overanalyzing each post I saw she had liked too. I should've unashamedly reposted this reel captioned "my type" with all the finest pictures of Mitsuki Koga playing in the background, but I don't want her thinking I only fantasize about her because they're alike? At the end of the day my love lies in [REDACTED], not the fictional character she really does look like the IRL version of.

It's just been such a long time since we've last seen each other that everytime I come across Mitsuki it makes me think of her. I swear the resemblance is there. But I see and want her for who she is, not for who she looks like.

As time passes I genuinely know I'll have to address the elephant in the room, which is me losing both my mind and my physical state to yearning for her. Not like I know the solution either? But it'll have to happen eventually, whether we end up together or not.

I wrote "same feelings as usual" at the start of this entry, but truthfully (and thank god) I'm more sentimental than yesterday lol. Maybe a tad bit pessimist too.

I don't know. She hasn't replied to my text from yesterday night, so I immediately pictured the traumatizing breakup to our still non-existant relationship? I can't help it I'm just dramatic, and fundamentally self-sabotaging. If I imagine us tearing each other apart than that does count like preparation to the actual thing, right? And it'll be easier to survive?

But at the same time it's also just me being in my own head. And maybe it's rude to assume what she actually feels like wihout her having explicitly told me so, but I can't help it. I physically feel ill thinking about her not wanting me the way I want her, and genuinely how the fuck am I going to recover if she does not actually want me?

I'll have to survive anyways. There's this scary dimension to my love for her too, due to it consuming me like a literal illness. Maybe it doesn't feel as poisoning and like this ache in my chest if we're together. But yeah, what if we're not?

Like all the highs (or mania episodes) in my life, I need to anticipate the lows, here being the potential trauma to her potentially not wanting me? And wanting to completely put an end to whatever the fuck we have going on currently? How am I going to cope? If it ever happens (fingers and toes crossed it does NOT) my downfall's gonna be studied in psychology cases I swear.

It's my coping mechanism to anticipate the worst case scenario and prepare for it. But it's also driving me fucking insane because it puts all the wrong ideas in my head, and I feel the yearning like a lump in my throat and in the pits of my stomach. I kind of feels like digging the grave to something that's not even dead yet. But what if it is, actually?

God I need her. It's driving me insane, lowkey it's killing me but it's fine. I'll just hope for the best (that's a lie I don't know how to hope for my own sake). But I can hope for good things to happen to her though, which is a super saphic obsessed with her girlfriend! I just hope it's me lol otherwise I kill the girlfriend then me with the same gun genuinely :D

11:51 AM


I lied earlier: I'm still sentimental but now I'm... feeling freaky too. Still at work btw (yes I've been in my ovulation week). The mix of both sad yearning and horniness makes me feel weird af but it's ok we ball

Like I imagine the intimacy, the kind words, the confessions, the sweet touches, and just her leaving me right after LMAO. I really need to stop self-sabotaging.

Me straight up lying again when writing "kind words" and "sweet touches" as if all I think about doesn't include carving each other's name on each other. That's me trying to be normal about her. As you can see I'm failing miserably. There are like two types of yearning battling in my chest right now: one where we're crazy obsessed about each other and it translates physically, and one where I long for her to just exist next to me rn. In both scenarios it presents as this ache fueling a fire licking at the insides of my ribcage, and she breaks my heart to the point of brain damage at the end. 👍

Trying to feel "normal" about her like trying to harbor a silly innocent crush on her makes me feel like a clone. Genuinely I don't know how to love her without this like insane crazy rotten obsession spilling at the same time. It's making me feel like shit, like a total freak because??? Like I literally feel like I'm mentally harassing her, and I need to keep reminding myself that my thoughts are mine only as long as I don't act them out. I don't know, I just love her.

01:05 PM


Managed to eat properly during today's lunch, still the lump in my throat and the heaviness on my chest remain. It kind of feels like I'm about to cry at any moment? Just without the tears, I guess? Or I feel like I'm randomny gonna explode. She's always on my mind, I don't know why wanting her makes me unable to eat properly. Or sleep properly. Like, I've had crushes on people in my life but god it'd never been this bad? Except most of them were men, and the only girl I had a crush on except [REDACTED] lived so far away we've never even seen each other IRL soooooo

Honestly why would we do all that if not to date each other?

I think this dumb ass body of mine should learn to make the difference between loving someone and actively being threatened by a firearm. Because tell me why I get adrenaline spikes each time my phone lights up, loser ass! Didn't know yearning came in the fight or flight flavor, because damn I dont wanna do any of the two! I wanna STAY and wait until [REDACTED] wants me back! So let's stop trying to kill me at every single thought about her <3

3:50 PM


I had a pretty productive start of the afternoon, I think mainly because I listened to a lot of different music than usual for once. I'm so doomed y'all out of all my other liked titles Spellbound started playing and my body fucking woke up like a sleeper agent and now I'm sweating and my heart beats too fast and I'm beathless again. Just great 👍.

I felt like a normal girl for a few hours and it's hitting me full force again #cantbreathenorfocus anymore + I saw she was listening to And I Love Her by Kurt Cobain on repeat? Like I don't see it live but I keep refreshing and it shows '1 min ago' so she just privated her listening session? #goinginsane

This is gonna be real embarassing once I find out she's just casually listening to shit with no one in mind, or even WORSE with SOMEONE ELSE in mind like sorry baby wecan't have that I'll unfortunately have to kill people

We barely texted today I'm literally going to explode I've been driving myself crazy listening to music that only makes me think of her I need her even more fuck fuck fuck why can't she be next to me rn

btw yall forget my loser ass i just stalked her stats.fm she listened to And I Love Her by Kurt Cobain only once :D i mean maybe she did tell me she was more into physical music like cds than spotify these days... what can i do if i cant stalk her :(



















07/18 2026 - Something very lesbian happened to me yesterday...


04:53 AM


Feeling so normal rn. I very badly want to see you again. I love you.

* Note to future self: pls do revisit this entry during boring work hours to reminisce about actual freaking lore????? Like stuff that has factually happened and not only in my head????????????

07/28 2026 - 02:14PM revisions :D


I'm afraid if I don't revisit this today I'll forget the intensity of how I felt this day LMAO so let's get to it (also, she's my girlfriend now :D)

Okay so, after a whole freaking yet again sleepless night yearning like a loser, I decided to ask her literally random questions out of the blue (we do that a lot, without any greetings or context just blurted out really), including one on fashion. Somehow the conversation turned into her sending me pictures of her being the literally prettiest girl on goddamn planet earth?????????????????? I mean she's just wearing skirts in the pictures but like,,, it was enough to lowkey short-circuit my brain haha

and so i might have been uh pretty up-front about my uh... physical feelings... towards her? they're calmer now i think i was just going crazy because we hadn't seen each other in a long ass time and also #ovulationweek...

I kid you not I could not fucking think straight I literally texted her each thought passing through my brain at the sight of the pictures she sent me... Which uh kinda led to a crash out on her end due to #insecurity oh girl I was so devastated like, staying normal and not scaring her challenge FAILED miserably

The insecurities were mainly fueled because of physical stuff, which I so passionately wrote about in previous diary entries. So for some reason I thought it was the most genius idea ever to try to comfort her by literally SENDING HER SNIPPETS OF THIS WEBSITE??? Like full on screenshots no shy copy past texts...

So of couse she got curious and uh something something I gave her access then I crashed out then she opened herself up to me too, and lowkey we kind of ended up mutually confessing? I mean. I was very dramatic before but genuinely nothing platonic was happening between us, just needed the final nail to close the coffin iykwim

The confession happened because I obviously didn't know how to tell her she was beautiful without telling her I was scared of everything I was feeling because I was totally head over heels for her, so #nonchalant of me

But it all led to a deeper bond I think? And at least on my end I'm more open to like, authentically talk about what's going on in my brain so... This is where the vomit-inducing yearning turns a little less anxious. Feelings reciprocated, still breathless but more panic-y instead of anxious



















07/20 2026 - trophy wife, whatever you want


10:50 AM


I promise I'll revisit the last entry very soon. In the mean time I'll try to write here the same I used to before I literally gave [REDACTED] access to this so uhhhhhhh :D Yes quite a bit of lore to go over but only for the best so it's fine (and yes she knows everything here is about her... oh well)

I thought texting you everyday and knowing feelings are reciprocated between us would ease the yearning in my chest, alas I was WRONG. I think the most doomed part of this is that I was a hit by the truck of my feelings for you the literal MOMENT when we had to physically put distance between, all due to uninteresting work/school related priorities.

And while we're far away from each other you open yourself to me with all those facts about you I had only ever imagined, and you're so much more complex and layered and unique and it makes me fall in love with you even more. And we share opinions on subjects I had never even thought of talking to with anyone, and it turns out we reconcile ideas here too? And you're just genuinely so easy to fall in love with, and fuck I love you.

I had to spent a both pretty fortunate and unfortunate weekend with my parents (it's complicated) and alllllllllll I could think about was you, and I was always checking my phone and being miserable and just silently staring into the void with pictures of you burned behind my eyeballs.

I'm alright now (I think), but I remember the feeling from back then and I was burning inside all-day long, during the span of a weekend. What hasn't changed from this weekend to today though is how much I need you god I need you to be around I need I love you I want to see you.

While conversing about ways for us to see each other again before I embark into a very busy August month, another long timespan of not seeing you ( :( ), I kinda refrained asking you if you just wanted to come live in my very tiny cramped up room of an apartment so we could even see each other on my week days because I didn't want to scare you I guess.

From an outsider's POV I feel like everything happened fast but like, if it hadn't I might have just died at the hands of my longing for you so :D. Idc about shit happening too fast like idc if what we have doesn't fit anything else ever I just want to love you.

My point is you were the one to give out the option of you coming to see me, except you literally employed the term of housewife. HOUSEWIFE ?????????????????????????????????????? Wife... wife when are you coming over to see me
And I'm expected to behave normally now? While imagining a shared daily domestic life together, loving you freely in the safety of a place where we learn to live with each other? Fuckkkkkkk and we'd have this makeup date we talked about yesterday night goddddd genuinely I'm gonna combust

I love you.

02:04 PM


Losing my mind at work. Want you close rn fuckkkkkkkk ts killing me fr were lit in love why am i still a yearning ass loserrrrrrrr

We haven't really texted today because hello work? And she's on a long ride so I get it, still sent her a message about some dumb stuff to which she replied and now i feel like im burning inside i want her fuck i need herrrrrrrrrrr fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkk

why it kinda feels like im a normal girl for a few hours and then she interacts with me and it's like im a druggie relapsing

07:32 PM


uh something something earlier still on the clock i very badly wanted to vent about how her mentioning me getting her pregnant made me feel but uhhhhhhh lowkey neighbour coworker was watching my every moves so 🤗 just know i was insane #nothingburger

Okay onto present stuff: managed to eat and sleep properly kinda today, and rn I'm cleaning my place like a maniac because of yesterday's conversation, strange mix between yearning and mania but oh well we've seen worse here ig

I very very very badly want to text her and ask about her day or sum but like. If I start texting her rn I'm doomed and I'll never be done with cleaning this place, which I absolutely need to overcome successfuly if she ever can come be my lovely roommate or wtv lesbos do in a shared apt

and no i cant do this casually because i haven't like, uh cleaned this place in like months so uhhhhhh lotsawork to be done and it makes me feel normal too, lowkey realized i cant just wait in yearning and despair and doom because it doesn't make time pass quicker, and even if the feelings are there i can at least kinda use them as fuel for more positive stuff like, cleaning and eating and eating properly

i do think us talking actually and not hypothetically about when and how we'll see each other again acted like a great tranquilizer to my obsession towards her. Like okay, girl who is going to be okay, we see each other soon. And we talked about it so it's kind of like sure. This could also be me going to see her both ways idgaf I just need to see her it's primal

so yeah less fire today, sweeter and calmer love lowkey kinda? genuinely wtf am i talking about but uh itll do i dont have any more accurate words to describe it

And also the devil on my back has been trying to fucking corrupt me by saying that this other dimension to my love for her, that's gentler and less obsessive and ever-consuming and fucking hungry than my rotten love towards her, is actually less relevant? Like as in I love her less this way than the other?

I'm calling bullshit because genuinely who could love someone to the point of physical breathlessness and losing your appetite and going fucking insane and sleepless all their fucking lives??? It is an authentic but intense way of doing stuff, but it's so consuming it does not feel healthy in any way. So I do hope I have both going on for me because I can't love her if I'm dead obviously?????

I don't know. She makes me want to become a better person. But at the same time what if she doesn't recognize my love for her this way?

love me a great act of self-sabotage. going back to my cleaning with an anxiety i created myself that tugs at the pit of my stomach, by writing here and concretizing my thoughts instead of freaking leaving them crossing my mind with no purpose so that i'd forget them (i think im slowky losing my mind because im refraining myself from texting her until like,,, 10pm maybe? im the only one doing this to myself ofc im just miserable)

anyways!





















07/21 2026


10:28 AM


feeling unhealthy amounts of possessiveness regarding my girl but it's fine #trust

i need to see her im going insane

12:56 PM


fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk druggie relapsing is on i need her fuck i need her genuinely ts gonna kill me

like i just imagine us living peacefully together and i'd throw myself into her arms after a long day of work and she'd do the same if she finishes hers earlier and we'd cook together and we'd fall asleep next to each other or like hugging and nuzzling while being cozy fuck dont get me started im going insane need her need her need her im going to fucking DIE

shared laundry... preparing together in the morning... waking up earlier to admire her being asleep (pathetically so)... it's all so delicious i'm so in love with her wow

but like... seeing her again irl will be quite the step alredy that i need to prepare for in order not to freak tf out (that's inevitably going to happen)... god literally the renewal of the lump in my throat during lunch because i was thinking too much about her #loser but i cant help it i love her fuckkkkkkkk like everytime i picture us reuniting i feel euphoric its making want to throw up

02:59 PM


At work as usual and all I can think about is you god I need to see you I need you entirely I miss you I love you. I'm restless I need you close, there's a weight on my chest.



















07/22 2026


11:02 AM


My neighbor coworker genuinely just does not leave his desk, ever? At least not today? How can I vent here then...

And fuck me for this because I DO have a lot of things to vent about today.

Went out last night and texted her the most pathetic and insecure things I've ever written in my whole entire life... I mean, I wouldn't say it's worse (?) than when I miserably drunk texted my love for her when I didn't even know if feelings were reciprocated, but different? I think?

The texts were about me, globally. Me being insecure and telling her to leave if she found me hard to deal with. Which is freaking crazy because I'd rather she tears me apart than she leaves me. I just. Don't know I was feeling angsty last night, and I know what induced it and it's so silly but like I can't help but think about it.

I'm doing this to myself really, I just can't be nonchalant to anything ever. So many people out there somewhere who'd be a better match for her. I kinda feel like I'm carrying a gigantic disgusting slimy creepy companion in a backpack at all times

I like to think my possessiveness originates from love, but truthfully I know it comes from this horrible side of me that's so deeply insecure about letting someone in #avoidantstuff I guess

I'm not making any sense in whatever bullshit I'm writing rn, the yearning makes me feel like shit today. I keep thinking about her leaving me. At least it's still thinking about her, right?

I'm so aware of what's going on in my head rn but I'd rather kill myself then making it real by writing about it. Me being ridiculous with both the standalone thought itself and the reaction to said thought. Idk. I feel miserable.

01:06 PM


Had some thoughts over lunch break. I've been spiralling basically idk it kinda feels like because it's a weird and strange thing (falling in love) that's new to us both she's already scared enough, and then add me on top of it and it's just a nightmare. Idk I feel like you don't have to dig too deep to be afraid of some parts of me

04:45 PM


wowzers i'm starting to lose it bro there are EVIL voices in my head bullying me and telling me she HATES ME

i've just been feeling like shit all day ofc the drop needed to come out somehow, in the form of imagining how she feels towaards me and in my head she finds me real annoying and too avoidant but also too clingy and uninteresting and horrible to be around idk

i mean she did already say the opposite of all those statements in the past but idk man what if i disappoint her or i scare her or she grows to hate me man idk brb blocking everything with dumb music to make it through the end of my shift ig without balling my eyes out #lovedoingthistomyself



















07/23 2026


02:53 PM


WE'RE SEEING EACH OTHER NEXT WEEK SUICIDE #POSTPONED I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND SO MUCH <3

03:52PM


Fuck my afternoon's full of meetings I can't fucking focus on because all I can think about is when and how we'll see each other, and I'm physically breathless again and there's a lump in my throat and I can't stand still and I'm genuinely gonna explode

i'm even cutting my shift early today because i just??? can't seem to focus on shit??? and i love her so much fuckkkkkkk and she's so pretty she went to get her heair done and she sent me a scrumptioussssss pic of her fuck i'll kms

LMAO this is such a contrast from yesterday but like... I was hung over + overdramatic + Instagram crashed all day long so I thought she was texting weird... Which is such a silly thing because it won't even be a problem now that we can see each other again FUCK the idea itself is enough to make me go insane again

Now that I know she's coming I need her bro it's not funny anymore it has never been fuck we're seeing each other again



















07/28 2026


09:31 AM


We saw each other for the first time again yesterday since going insane.

God I'm so fucked, I think I'm even more insane now that it all became real. She's so pretty and cute funny and my girlfriend and I love her so much. Fuckkkkkkkkkk no actually so nonchalant about everything haha. Ofc I'm at work rn and ofc I miss her. Having gotten a glimpse of a life in her arms yesterday night is driving me INSANE genuinely all I can think about I will NOT survive this day.

Quick summary of the events for my personal recollection: went to pick her up from the bus station and we were so awkward lol real loser4loser stuff here, I'm talking not looking into eo's eyes (or maybe just me idk i was very loser), giggling like idiots, huge silences bcs like... well dk abt her but I was just freaking out lol and 3000 things going on in my mind at all times but uhhhhhhhh

Then we arrived at her place to drop things off, which was peak awkwardness and freaking out (on my end at least) because like uhhh nothing to busy my hands (hence my mind too) with so lowkey kinda going insane but ^^ AND THEN (dying thinking abt it rn) like after exiting her building she FUCK she took my hand 👍 feeling so normal writind about it btw

And then I felt a lot of things of course but also this very strange feeling of just, finally being where I belong? Idk, it's as if the brain-damaging yearning transformed into either uh gay panic, or like, heart-soothing calmness. Am I making any sense chat

can't focus fuck i need her in my arms again i feel tortured



















07/29 2026


01:53 PM


FUCKFUCKFUCK oh my fucking god it just never stops, does it?

I'm back on my brain-damaging yearning shit or whatever, all against my will btw. No but, you'd think literally dating your dream girl and subject to such an ever-consuming feeling would EASE the ache? It literally does THE FUCK NOT I'm losing my mind.

Having her in my arms eases the ache a bit, but I just can't get enough it's as if I'm never close enough to her, I crave her touch like a loser touch-starved madwoman and it's fine I admit it.

But being physically apart makes me want to tear my body and mind into two. How can you expect a woman to go back to mundane life after having been to heaven? I'm just LOSING IT. I need her in my arms again, I crave it like an itch you can't scratch it's just persistenly, always, fucking there.

There is literally nothing I can compare the feeling to, at least nothing I know of for its intensity renders me impossible to function properly. I hear my heart beating on top of the music blasting my ears rn, and there's this lump in my throat again, and this fire that consistently licks at my very core, and everytime I remember this moment of hers that's literally burned in my brain I feel my heart doing sommersaults the same way it does when I drink too many coffees, and my breath cuts short, and the fire rises higher up to reach behind my lungs.

She drives me so fucking insane and it's all ridiculous because I'm seeing her again in 4 hours and 14 minutes, as of now.

Physically I'm faking work by writing this (and I know the typing makes my coworkers suspicious of my activites...) but mentally all I can picture is her her her. Fuck she's so pretty and there's this specific moment where she was sitting across from me at the bar that's I think engraved under my eyelids.

Or actually well, even directly into my eyeballs for I see it still even while promptly looking somewhere. FUCK okay no but she's too pretty and I'm just a loser who can't forget about the smiles she gives me and how cute she looks in her clothes that are so her and her glasses and the new haircut she got.

Writing this doesn't really help me calm down rn. How can I be apart from her again? There's a whole like.. month and a half from august to september where I won't be able to see her and it makes me want to kill myself already. Idk it's all confusing between the obsessiveness and the yearning and her smile and what's ahead so uhhhh #braindamage

05:09 PM


50 minutes before I see my girlfriend again 🤲

I was fine for a couple hours listening to goofy music and getting stuff done before spiracles got a hold on me and threw me back into insanity ^^ It's definitely the first time it's happened 👍

Many things to think about.

Carnally so.



In all due insanity I totally forgot to mention why I got so crazy earlier. Uhhhhhhh usually I manage to get through the day in a somewhat... ok? manner (not sure here), but it was just impossible today because I went to eat lunch at her place so. Like, it's kinda like upping your substance abuse. You crave it more. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk



















08/05 2026


3PM


I haven't been with many people in my life but the few I have been with made it fall feel so much different.

I don't know. She's everything. I had always seen physical affection as underwhelming or restrictive or cringe even, but everytime an inch of her skin touches mine it's like I can see our souls intertwining. My sweet girl.